by Steve Adubato, PhD
Often great communication comes down to asking great questions. In her book; “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life,” Dr. Marilee Adams identifies what she calls “worried questions” such as, “Does he like and approve of me?” Or, “What did I do wrong?”
These questions come from an insecure, vulnerable place in us. They communicate weakness. They are negative in nature and often cause you to communicate in defensive and unnecessarily combative and/or weak terms. When you formulate these questions in your mind, and then actually articulate them, the ensuing conversation rarely goes any place good.
Yet, too many of us in the world of business, particularly in these difficult economic times, obsess over these “worried questions”; “Why didn’t he call me back about that proposal?” Or, “I haven’t been able to get on Jim’s schedule. Does that mean he doesn’t want to do business with me?” Or, “worried questions” that immediately place blame on others, “What did he/she screw up this time?”
These questions are natural. They are in all of us. However, the key to successful business communication, which positively impacts on productivity and your bottom line, is to realize that you are thinking this way. Then, immediately change your frame of mind because if you don’t, you will have zero chance of a positive outcome. In her book, Dr. Adams promotes what she calls “helping questions.” These questions center on how you can solve problems and move forward. Consider questions like, “How can we get to the next step?” “What can we do to overcome this obstacle?” “What exactly do you need from me?”
No matter what situation we face in business, whether rejection, disappointment or anything that doesn’t go exactly the way we had planned, the key is to train yourself to move toward these “helping questions,” because the sooner you ask them, the more likely you are to stay on track. Too many of us focus our business communication on finding the right answers and anticipating the questions or objections that may be raised by others. Being prepared in this way is appropriate, but it can’t be the only approach to solving problems and challenges.
No one has ALL the answers, and those who think they do, often say things that are factually incorrect, outside of their area of expertise, or over promise what they can’t deliver. I’ve often argued in this column that in many business situations, the questions we ask are far more important than the answers we give. In her book, Dr. Adams only reinforces this philosophy and clearly identifies and separates these questions into two distinct categories. Again, it is not enough simply to ask questions in business. We must take a closer look at the type of questions we ask and then ask ourselves; “Is what I am asking moving toward a solution or only increasing the odds that an unnecessary argument or debate will ensue?” This approach holds true in our personal and professional lives.
So the next time you are in a situation and someone says something that rubs you the wrong way, fight the urge to ask a combative and negative question like, “What’s wrong with you?” or, “How could you say that?” or even worse, “Are you some kind of idiot?” Go in a different, more constructive direction and ask, “Tell me why you see it that way?” or, “What can I do to move this project forward?” Or simply, “How can I be helpful?” You will be amazed at the reaction you get using this simple but powerful communication technique that revolves not around answers, but once again around asking the right questions in the right way for the right reasons.