by Steve Adubato, PhD

Sometimes, certain messages are very difficult to communicate. Particular situations make us uncomfortable when we have to get our message across to someone who is suffering or in pain.
Hallmark, one of the most respected brands in the business world, has decided to take that pressure off us by developing a series of cards that allow their professional writers to communicate just the right words, regardless of the situation. Diagnosed with cancer? Don’t worry, Hallmark has a card. Your friend had a miscarriage? Hallmark can get the job done. Eating disorder? The Hallmark designers have just the right words.

I was recently on The Today Show debating a representative from Hallmark who writes these cards. The company’s position was that some people just don’t know what to say or how to communicate when emotions are so deep. They argue that Hallmark is just trying to help people get through these difficult times and express their message through a pre-written card included in what they call their “Journeys” collection.

The Hallmark card for people with cancer is witty, if nothing else; “Cancer is a villain who doesn’t play fair ... but it can’t dim your spirit, and it can’t silence prayer.” And check out the eating disorder one; “All I want for you is to be healthy— healthy and happy with yourself. Please take it one day at a time until you are.” And for depression; “When the world gets heavy, remember, I’m here to carry it with you.”

The eating disorder and depression cards don’t bother me that much, but the Hallmark cards for cancer just don’t feel right. It’s a communication mistake by any reasonable standard. Wouldn’t you rather have someone struggle with their words but ultimately write or say something to you that is coming from a more personal perspective? If so, consider the following ways you can go beyond a pre-written card to let someone know you truly care.

Pick up the phone. That old AT&T slogan “reach out and touch someone” still speaks volumes. In the amount of time it takes to go to the store, pick out the “perfect” card, write it, address it and get it to the mailbox, you could have picked up the phone and let someone know you are thinking about him or her. You don’t even have to ask about the disease or any other difficult issue. Just say; “Hello, I was thinking about you and wanted to check in…” Then, just listen. Let him guide the conversation. If he wants to unload, be there for support. If he just wants to keep things light and talk about the weekend, a movie, or some other seemingly “insignificant” topic, take his lead. Sometimes people just want to be distracted for a little while.
Go see your friend or family member. As difficult as may be or as awkward as it may seem, there is a world of difference between communicating over the phone versus face to face communication. Again, the key is to listen and simply BE THERE for that person.
Send flowers or a gift basket and then call to follow up. Again, don’t just send something generic that could have been sent to anyone. Ask yourself, would your grandmother or lifelong friend like tulips, a fruit basket or a book whose author they are especially fond of.
I don’t question Hallmark’s motives. They seem like good people trying to do a good thing involving communicating in a difficult situation. But when it comes to communication and connecting with others who are struggling, remember, the person sending the message is often more important than the message itself.

I’m sure not everyone agrees with my position.