by Steve Adubato, PhD

In this column, I often talk about the importance of how you frame or position an issue or debate in order to persuade and motivate others. Recently, I came face-to-face with a real life and perplexing child-related communication issue.

A few weeks ago, I picked up my 6-year-old son Nick from school only to find him crying hysterically. When I asked him why he was so upset, he could barely get the words out. Finally, whimpering; “Daddy, in the school play they want me to be a SPEAKER, but I want to be a DANCER. I’m so upset.”

I asked Nick why it was so important that he be a dancer in the play, and he told me that the song his class had picked was the theme song from Slumdog Millionaire, which my older son had introduced to him. I tried to tell Nick that having a speaking role was a great honor, but he wasn’t moved.

Against my better judgment, I walked Nick back into the school to talk to his kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Susan Price, who is a 30-year veteran educator and one of the most engaging and dynamic teachers (and communicators) you’ll find anywhere.

When we met Mrs. Price, she immediately asked Nick what was wrong. With tears in his eyes and his voice trembling he said, “Mrs. Price, I want to be a dancer. I don’t want to be a speaker.” She asked “Why?” and Nick repeated the Slumdog Millionaire angle.

Finally, Mrs. Price said, “Nick, your role is really important. Did you realize that you are the King?” Immediately, Nick stopped crying. She suggested that Nick think about it over the weekend and whatever he decided on Monday morning, she would try to work out.

While Mrs. Price was talking to Nick, she and I winked at each other. I marveled at her ability to change the way Nick was thinking about this whole situation. His “separate reality” was that between dancing to a song he really liked and having to give a speech, it was a no brainer. “Giving a speech” was scary, yet dancing was fun. But playing “the King” was a very different story, even though the King had several speaking lines.

As we got into the car, Nick asked the question that made it clear how effective a communicator his teacher really was, “If I were the King, does that mean I could go to Toys R Us and tell you what I want to get?”

Over the weekend, we talked more about what it would really mean to be the King in the play, how important it was, and how it was about him being a “leader” to help everyone in the village. By Monday morning, when I asked him if he had decided what he wanted to tell Mrs. Price, he said, “Yes, I would like to be the King in the play…but I still want to go to Toys R Us.”

In the past two weeks, Nick has practiced his lines and is excited about the school play next week. The moral? First, some teachers, particularly those like Mrs. Price, are master communicators who know how to get their students to think about a situation in a totally different way. The same holds true in business when dealing with a stubborn client or colleague.

Great leaders figure out what appeals to their audience. The circumstance may change, but the way the other person sees things (based on the way you communicate) can be dramatically altered. Remember, Nick is still going to have to speak, but the way he SEES speaking in the play is totally different. We can learn a lot from teachers like Susan Price who practice exceptional communication skills on a daily basis to a much tougher audience than most of us will ever face.