By Steve Adubato, PhD

I’ve been thinking a lot these days about narcissism. A friend recently recommended a great book entitled, “The Narcissist in Your Life” by Linda Martinez-Lewi. What does narcissism have to do with communication, leadership or any important aspect of business success? Everything! Narcissists make terrible communicators. I am not talking about people with healthy egos and a positive attitude about themselves. We all want attention and recognition for our efforts. There is nothing wrong with that. I am referring to the people who only see the world with them at the center of it—People in our professional and personal lives who are impossible to communicate with in a meaningful way.

Consider this typical communication scenario involving a big time narcissist named Bob who has been working with Jane in the same department for over a year. Bob never asks Jane about her life. Never compliments her. Never seems concerned or curious when Jane is down or out of it. If Jane says to her co-workers that she had a “great vacation with her family down at the Jersey Shore,” Bob feels the need to compete and draw the group’s attention saying; “The Jersey Shore is lame. We go out to Long Island all the time. The houses are bigger and the people are loaded. I make so many great business contacts out there. In fact, I am having lunch with a guy and I know I am bringing him in as a big customer. Forget the Jersey Shore, Jane…”

And so it goes. Bob the narcissist does it all the time. His need to be at the center of attention won’t allow him to listen to Jane or anyone else (except those he thinks can help him at that moment.) Narcissists like Bob don’t show any kind of empathy or interest in others. They don’t ask follow up questions like, “What a great vacation, Jane. How did you and your kids enjoy it?” Narcissists like Bob miss so many cues around them. They miss the opportunity to better understand what customers or prospects really want or need. They miss opportunities to learn from others who have a different way of looking at the world. They don’t foster positive, lasting, professional or personal relationships because of their “enough about you, let’s talk about me” attitude.

Narcissists are also terrible listeners. They interrupt all the time, often finishing other people’s sentences. They can be so insecure that they are unable to appreciate someone else’s success or happiness without seeing it as some sort of indication that they have failed. What they do in response for fear that they are being bypassed or ignored is inappropriately talk about themselves and their world with blinders on as if that world is the only world that should matter to everyone around them.

And what is especially striking is that these hyper-narcissists are so oblivious to how they are seen by others that they lack the ability or understanding of the need to adapt their communication style in different situations and scenarios and connect with others in a more meaningful way. They think they are doing just fine and that they are respected and loved by most.

What narcissists don’t appreciate is that others often avoid them like the plague. Do we all have a bit of narcissism in us? Of course. I know I do. But the key is to be aware of the degree to which we are self absorbed. Catch it before it becomes engrained in your everyday communication patterns. Check it when you find yourself talking more about yourself than listening to others. A strong ego? No problem there. At times a bit self-centered? Nobody’s perfect. But full blown, unchecked narcissism is a prescription for unhealthy and unproductive communication.
Is there a narcissist in your world that you need to “free yourself” from? Write to me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.