By Steve Adubato, PhD
The way we touch or physically connect in public can communicate powerful messages. Often, our intent is misunderstood, feelings can be hurt, people can get angry and reputations are impacted. Consider a couple of high-profile incidents recently that demonstrate this point.
At the recent G8 Summit of world leaders, President George Bush walked up to German Chancellor Angela Merkel who was deep in conversation with the Italian Prime Minister. As the president approached the chancellor he put both hands on her shoulders from behind and started to massage her. Chancellor Merkel was clearly startled. She raised her arms because she had no idea who had grabbed her. The cameras flashed catching the scene and video was taken as the president walked away with an awkward smile and the conjecture began. What was that all about? Did the president actually try to “grope” the German chancellor? (Obviously not.) Was it just a “Texas thing” intended to communicate a down-home Bush-style southern welcome? (Probably.)
No matter what the reason, it was an unintended embarrassing moment which may have only been outdone by Russian President Vladimir Putin who earlier this month greeted a five year old boy at the Kremlin in a pretty odd fashion. He lifted the boy’s shirt and kissed his belly later explaining that it was simply a “spontaneous act of affection.” Putin later said at a press conference; “I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten.” Are these incidents and the media reaction much ado about nothing? Maybe, but there are also some larger lessons the rest of us in professional life can take away.
Q: How much of the negative reaction to President Bush massaging the neck of the German chancellor is because she is a woman?
A: A lot. There are some basic rules of touching between men and women in professional situations. Sometimes hugging is fine if there is a history of it and it doesn’t last too long. A kiss on the cheek could be fine as well, depending upon the circumstances and the people involved. But massaging another world leader’s neck before a major international conference? That’s a no-no. It communicated a level of familiarity with the German Chancellor that she appeared to be uncomfortable with. It made others uncomfortable. In many ways her reaction communicated more of a message than the president’s initial act.
Q: How much of the Bush/Merkel issue is also a product of it taking place in public?
A: Location and circumstance matter. If it had happened in private without cameras and no worldwide audience watching, it may have never been talked about. Actually seeing it is different than hearing about it. The way we communicate in private is different from our public communication. Yet, the line between public and private behavior is blurred. It is why the president got caught sharing an expletive with Tony Blair on a live microphone that he didn’t even realize was on. The lesson is that all professionals, particularly in high-level positions must be aware of their surroundings at all times.
Q: So are you saying you should never touch anyone you work with?
A: No, but the rules of engagement have evolved. Meaning is never simply in the act itself, it is only in the interpretation of the person on the receiving end and those who view it. Since you can’t control these interpretations, it is usually safer to shake hands. However, offering a handshake to someone who expects a hug and/or a kiss on the cheek can also communicate a distance or coldness that is unintended. Communication is not an exact science. I would love to say just go with your gut and trust your instincts, but communicating in today’s complex professional world with so much diversity requires more than that. So, think before you act and err on the side of caution when it comes to physical contact in business.