by Steve Adubato, PhD

Consider this very typical communication scenario. I walked into the local Starbucks recently and the barista behind the counter greets me by saying; “Good morning, Steve. Are you having your usual today?” I gladly responded, “Yes.”

As I wait for my coffee feeling pretty good about the fact that Starbucks not only knows my name, but they know my drink, I’m thinking life’s pretty good. But then, when the guy behind the cappuccino counter says; “Venti cappuccino, two shots, decaf,” I say to him; “Excuse me, but my drink is venti cappuccino, one and a half shots, half caffeinated, skim, extra hot.” (Alright, stop laughing as if you’re not high maintenance in certain areas.) The guy behind the counter who has several drinks he is making says, “But isn’t that your USUAL?” And I politely tell him it’s not and ultimately, he has to make the drink again. Now I’m not feeling so special.

There is a bigger point here beyond cappuccino, which is that we miscommunicate all the time. In fact, we do it a lot more than we communicate effectively. Everyone says they want to “get on the same page” but more often than not we are on different pages communicating on different planes.

Consider the comment, “Your usual today?” Sounds innocuous enough, right? But there are several problems with it from a communications perspective. Assume that the barista has all the best intentions, but the way she remembers my drink is simply not accurate. Further, what if SHE remembers it exactly but when she communicates to the guy making the cappuccino, HIS recollection of my drink isn’t in sync with hers. Communicating effectively is more difficult than we think.

Consider some other scenarios that often produce confusion and miscommunication.

When a teacher presents a lesson that she believes is straightforward and logical, she then ultimately asks the students “does everyone understand?” Even if most of the student’s heads are nodding, what exactly do they understand? What if they THINK they understand what the teacher is saying but actually don’t? What if they are not sure they understand but are afraid to say so in front of the other students? That same teacher might ask, “Any questions?” and because there are none, she assumes she has communicated perfectly.

If you ask someone where the closest gas station is, and they say; “Just down the road,” what exactly does that mean? You are driving for 5 miles and you don’t see a gas station and then you ask yourself how can the gas station be “just down the road” while I am still driving? Well, what EXACTLY does “just down the road” mean? It means one thing to the person who said it and quite another to the person asking for gas because they are running on empty.

Or consider this. My colleague Mary said to her husband Bill, “Could you make sure you straighten the bedrooms?” Bill thinks he understands, but when Mary gets home, although the beds are made, clothes are on the floor and kid’s toys are everywhere. Mary says, “Hey, Bill, I asked you to straighten, didn’t I?” And he responds, “I did.” You can figure out where this domestic discussion goes from here. No place good.

The moral is that all of us need to communicate in a much more precise and specific fashion. We must assume we are NOT on the same page and are likely to miscommunicate and therefore give more details than what seems necessary.