by Steve Adubato, PhD

Have you been talking to yourself recently? Of course you have. In fact, intrapersonal communication is extremely common. We all do it, sometimes out loud or silently, but the fact remains that virtually all of us have an ongoing dialogue with ourselves whether we realize it or not.

What’s more important is that this internal communication can have a tremendous impact on not only your mood, attitude and effectiveness, but also, on those around you. Some points to consider about how we communicate to ourselves:

--Think about when you say to yourself; “I’m such a jerk,” or; “Why did I eat that piece of cake, I hate myself,” or this one; “I’m terrible at public speaking. I’m really going to bomb at that presentation today.” This kind of negative communication has a direct impact on your performance. It puts you in a bad place and often affects the mechanics of how you execute, regardless of whether you are in a board meeting or standing over a three foot putt on a golf course and saying to yourself, “I’m never going to make this putt!”

--Instead, you are a lot better off engaging in positive communication with yourself. Even though it may feel uncomfortable at first, get in the habit of saying things like; “Hey, do you remember the time you gave that great presentation in New York? The pressure was on and you really delivered. Come on, Joe, let’s do it again this afternoon.” This kind of internal conversation can put you in a much better frame of mind to deliver that important presentation.

--Negative self-talk can really irritate others and make them uncomfortable, particularly when you say these things out loud. Just last weekend I was playing golf with three good friends Andy, Nick and Jim. On the 9th hole I made a terrible putt. I missed from two feet. As we walked off the green I muttered to myself; “You stink. Why don’t you just quit right now.” I proceeded to hit my next tee-shot out of bounds and then said to myself, “Great…you really DO stink!”

Just then, my partner Jim pulled me aside and said; “Hey, listen Steve. I’m your partner today. I want to win this match. Stop being such a jerk and get in the game. Your criticizing yourself is irritating me and it is starting to affect my game so cut it out.” So there it is. You think you are talking to yourself. You may even say to someone; “But I am just talking to myself.” But the reality is you are doing it out loud, which has a direct impact on others. You are effecting their experience, impacting their mood and, on the golf course, their game. The same thing is true in a business meeting or in a sales situation.

--The most important point is that while you are not in control of external events, you have 100% control over how you communicate with yourself. Think about that. It is a powerful thought. Consider the expression; “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.” That means that 90 percent of what goes on in your life you can either control or greatly influence. The choice is yours. You can keep beating yourself up with the counterproductive internal communication, or you can decide today that you have to cut yourself a break, stop comparing yourself to perfection, and start saying more positive, constructive things. You have nothing to lose except a bad attitude, a nasty mood, and an irritating communication style that is not making you a lot of friends.