by Steve Adubato, PhD
“Why don’t you just stop being so argumentative…?” “If I could only get that raise I’ve wanted for so long, everything would be great.” “Why does my boss have to be so demanding? If he were more understanding, then maybe I’d like this job.”
It’s natural for all of us to see the problems and challenges in our lives based on a specific set of circumstances. We think to ourselves, if we could only change the circumstance, then things would be different. Everything would be just great. We’d be happier, we’d be more pleasant, which would make us more positive communicators.
Recently, I looked back at some of the work of the late Dr. Richard Carlson, the author of the mega-selling book series “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” Carlson also wrote a less well-known book called, “You Can be Happy No Matter What,” in which he talked about the way most of us try to look at and “solve” problems by obsessing over trying to change our circumstances.
Carlson’s view on problems was very different, which has a direct effect on our communication. Carlson argued that “circumstances are always neutral.” What he meant by that is that of course you want your boss to be more understanding, you want that raise and you wish that your partner or professional colleague were “less argumentative.” But, ask yourself how often you’ve actually been able to change someone else’s behavior, or, a particular circumstance. It is great when you can and there is nothing wrong with us trying to do it, but things get dicey when we convince ourselves that all circumstances are within our ability to control, if not change. Further, if we are fortunate enough to change a situation, we think everything will be fine.
For that guy who complains about not getting a raise, but finally DOES get it, look what happens just a few months after. He is complaining about something else like; “Why does Jim get the corner office with the big window and I am stuck in this tiny room facing this stupid wall?” Carlson argued, quite compellingly, that sometimes it is a lot more effective to focus on changing our mood and how we choose to look at a situation as opposed to obsessing over changing our circumstance.
Have you ever noticed that when you are in a bad or down mood, virtually everything bothers you. People you live and work with, the job itself (if you are lucky enough to have a job these days), the weather, traffic, children, and whatever else impacts your life. But, the next day, or maybe even just a few hours later, those same circumstances don’t seem exactly the same.
Further, when you are in a better and healthier frame of mind, we often see more creative options, alternatives and potential solutions to the nagging problems we face every day. So, doesn’t it make more sense to focus on trying to change or at least tweak our mood (not to mention be more aware of it) and try to more consistently be upbeat than it is to engage in a futile exercise of changing everyone and everything around us.
Today is Sunday. It’s your choice. Is it; “Ugh, it’s Sunday. Do you believe I have to go back to work tomorrow?” Or; “It’s Sunday! One more day to relax and be with my family. I’m pretty lucky I have a job to go to tomorrow.”