by Steve Adubato, PhD

Holidays are great, aren’t they? You get to see friends and family. You meet new people at parties you aren’t exactly sure why you attended. You have dinner and open presents with relatives who have some pretty quirky communication styles.

Simply put, the holidays present some interesting communication opportunities and challenges for all of us. Here are some tips to put into your holiday communication survival guide:

--Check your negative attitude at the door. (Including longstanding family resentment over an incident in 1995.) It doesn’t matter whether or not you want to be at the party or family gathering. If you walk in with a sour puss on, not only are you going to have a bad time, but you are going to turn off everyone around you. Communicating and connecting at holiday parties is a funny thing. If you tell yourself; “I’m going to have a good time,” you are more likely to do just that. Conversely, if you say; “I don’t want to be here!” what you say and how you act is going to reflect that. Changing your attitude can change your reality. Try it.

--In the same spirit, be the first one to get the conversation going. If you stand there waiting for a written invitation to get into a conversation, it’s not going to happen. Walk up to someone and simply introduce yourself; “Hi, I’m Jim. I don’t believe we’ve met. What’s your name?” Then, see what happens. Check out the other person’s body language. If they seem responsive, follow up with; “How are you connected to Bob and Mary?” (The hosts of the party.) You’d be surprised how much the other person appreciates it when you break the ice. You should do the same thing by re-introducing yourself to relatives you haven’t seen in a while.

--Let’s not kid ourselves. Most of us love our families, but there are some family members that are just impossible to communicate with. They don’t listen, they love arguing (even if they don’t have a coherent point) and they say insulting things. How do you handle them? First, lower your expectations. Don’t expect them to be any different than they’ve been in the past. Don’t take the bait. My “Uncle Joe” has an irritating habit of doing the following; “Hey, Steve, what do you think about President Obama’s new health plan?” The reality is he doesn’t really want to know what I think at all. He wants to tell me what HE thinks. Every time I’ve tried to tell him what I thought, he interrupts me and says; “That’s ridiculous. Let me tell you what’s really going on here…”

So, this holiday season when “Uncle Joe” asks me the same question I’ll say; “You know, I’m not so sure. Tell me what you think.” Most likely your irritating relative just wants to talk and be heard. Let him talk himself out and then hope he moves on to somebody else.

--And speaking of politics and family, I am a big believer that subjects like politics and religion are communication powder kegs during the holidays. You are much better off talking about movies, books or some ridiculous reality series like “Jersey Shore.” It’s safer and everyone can have an opinion. But if the conversation does get heated, remember your communication safety net is to say; “That’s an interesting point, Aunt Betty. I hadn’t considered that…” This always throws them off. Plus, you may actually hear an interesting point of view or two over the holidays. It’s happened before, and like I said, having a positive and open-minded attitude is three quarters of the communication game.