by Steve Adubato, PhD

Kids have questions about everything. Obviously, right now, some of those questions are likely to revolve around 9/11, terrorism, the proposed mosque at ground zero, Islam, and Afghanistan—frankly, nothing that’s fun or easy to talk about.

However, for parents or any adult concerned about communicating with compassion and appropriate candor with children, there are some tools that can help:

--Even though it’s tempting to shut down all communication with children around 9/11, that’s not a good idea. They know something happened that was bad and scary. It’s talked about in school and with other kids. What may be worse is that some of the video from 9/11 can be accessible to our children via the Internet or TV. Some kids are thinking about 9/11 and are still scared. Simply saying, “That’s not something you should be thinking about” won’t work, because they DO think (and may even obsess) about it. Sticking your head in the sand is a communication strategy that can make things worse.

--Don’t be afraid to answer a question with a question. If your 7-year-old asks; “Dad, why did those people kill the people in the towers?” We could be tempted to answer with some long, complicated response, about religious intolerance and Islamic fundamentalism and terrorism, none of which makes sense to a 7-year-old. However, if we respond by asking, “Jimmy, why do you think people sometimes do bad things to others?”, there is a good chance Jimmy is going to say something about some people not liking other people, particularly if they are different. He also may say that some people are just mean and want to hurt others. Whatever response you get, including the potential, “I don’t know…that’s why I’m asking you,” you’ll get a sense of how the child sees terrorism and the tragedy of 9/11. Don’t assume that you understand their world view because as adults, we can’t.

--Listen. Be patient and let the kid talk. It’s important that he or she gets to ramble a bit. Too often we cut off conversations because we want to give an answer that “solves” a problem. Fact is, we can’t solve this for our kids; we can only help to reassure them just a little bit and let them know that we’re there for them. Many times, just by listening…truly listening…we communicate so much to our children.

--There are memorial services everywhere around us. It may be tempting to keep our kids away from all 9/11 related events, and while it has to be age appropriate, I am a big believer that sometimes bringing kids can help. I recommend a baseline to be 7- or 8-years-old, but then again, there are some kids that age who just may not be able to handle it. For me, there is something powerful about seeing members of a community come together to remember those who have been lost and to celebrate their lives, as opposed to obsessing over their deaths. Again, this is a judgment call, so I recommend that parents really think long and hard about this one.

--Ceremonies are one thing, but television news is another. Graphic, visual images and reporter’s narration can communicate powerful and scary messages. This information is not intended for tender ears, and can even be hard for adults to handle. However, adults have a greater ability to put such reports into context. Children who see visuals either from 9/11 or the ravages of war in the Middle East can’t make sense of it. Consider setting your DVR and watch the news without your kids in the room. By watching the news on tape, you can screen the images and messages being communicated and decide whether it is appropriate for your kids.