by Steve Adubato, PhD

Did you ever notice that people hear what they want to hear? If you tell people you will “think about it”, they are convinced you’ve made an ironclad commitment. If you tell someone “I like you”, they can believe you’ve told them you are “madly in love” and have made a lifetime commitment. In business, the same thing is true and the stakes are just as high. This wishful thinking often creates communication mishaps and hard feelings that are avoidable.

Recently, a business associate of mine named Jim Smith was at a cocktail reception and was asked by Jane Jones, the head of a local organization, to be a “guest speaker” at an upcoming event several months away. In response, my friend said; “If my schedule allows, I’d like to do it.”

Of course, Jane was convinced that an official commitment had been made and started the wheels in motion. She told other associates that Jim had agreed to speak at the event and they began the process of putting his name in an the program. In turn, Jim got a call from one of his longtime business colleagues who said; “Jim, I heard you are speaking at the XYZ event in January. That’s great. I’ll see you there.” Jim responded by saying he hadn’t gotten any formal request and had never made a formal commitment and that he had to “check his schedule.”

Jim then gets a call from someone in Jane’s office who says; “Mr. Smith, we are looking forward to seeing you at our event in January.” In shock, Jim says; “I’m not sure I can do the event because I haven’t looked at my schedule.” In turn, the assistant says; “I thought you made a commitment.” Finally, when an e-mail is sent with all the information, there is in fact a conflict in Jim’s schedule, as he is committed to another important engagement. Undoubtedly, Jane Jones is upset and believes that Jim has reneged on his verbal commitment made at the cocktail reception.

There is a moral in all this that the rest of us can learn from. When it comes to communication, we must be more precise and specific. Further, we need to put things in writing and also get official communication confirming the response you are hoping for. At a cocktail reception, if you casually mention to someone that you would like him to be a “guest speaker” at your upcoming event, unless he has his schedule in his Blackberry and confirms on the spot, you have no commitment at all. You just have Jim’s good intentions. Jim saying that he’d love to do it “if his schedule allows” means exactly that—IF his schedule allows. That’s a big IF.

Another communication lesson is that cocktail party conversation is just that. It is not irrelevant, but it is not official business communication. It’s casual. It’s informal. People say things that of course they may mean, but cannot be taken in the same context as an e-mail, letter or phone conversation committing to something. The context of one’s communication matters, but cocktail parties and networking receptions cannot be confused with more focused, specific and precise communication when it comes to schedules as well as making business commitments in response to requests for time, money or resources.

Finally, when it comes to communication, the mindset of the recipient, namely hoping that the answer is “yes”, can often cloud and confuse the way they receive information and creates unnecessary hard feelings and rarely if ever helps build productive business relationships.