By Steve Adubato, PhD

Some of us in leadership and management positions have lost our temper at one time or another. We've said things we wished we hadn't and used a tone of voice that communicated the wrong message. There are people in organizations that are so aggressive with what they say that we see them as having a "problem."

Having strong people skills is largely about communication. In any workplace or team the ability to effectively talk and listen as well as negotiate with others often separates the winners from the losers. The biggest issue for those who lack people skills is that they may not know (or worse may not care) about it. I have seen this phenomena play out with people who function in an environment where results or individual performance matters a lot. Beyond the world of competitive individual sports, we see this in the world of high finance where the bottom line is largely colored in black and white with very little room for shades of gray.

Consider Nicole, a CFO who has strong technical and analytical skills, according to her long time colleague Joan. Says Joan, "Nicole is really good at assessing a fiscal situation and making smart decisions on a timely basis and is solid on strategic issues."

The problem however, is that Nicole is also an impatient manager who has a tendency to blow up at team members and others in the corporation. The screaming and ridiculing of people in front of others tends to happen more when deadlines get closer. According to Joan, Nicole has called managers as well as peers "jerks" and "stupid idiots." Sometimes her tirades are sprinkled with profanity.

In a recent meeting with the company's CEO, Nicole and Tim, the company's VP of marketing, got into a spirited debate about how to handle the company's shrinking revenues. Nicole lost her cool and blurted out, "Your position is off the wall, Tim. You are such an ass." Then she turned to the CEO and said, "You have to decide which one of us is right. We don't have the time to play games."

While the CEO said he felt Nicole raised some good points, he felt the issue was more complex and needed to be discussed further. Finally, Nicole lost it and screamed, "I don't need this crap, I'm out of here."

She then stormed out of the meeting and slammed the door behind her. There was a buzz in the organization about the incident. What Nicole didn't understand was that the CEO and VP of marketing were closer than she thought. Nicole was given an ultimatum--either go through extensive anger management training or accept a severance package and leave the company within a month.

Since Nicole was convinced that she had no problem, she wound up leaving. The real problem, however, is that there is a good chance she will face these same challenges in her next job.

While a future column will deal with effective ways to manage and communicate your anger and frustration, here's one technique that will pay big dividends immediately. The next time you are tempted to go off on someone, consider this; What would you feel like if you were on the receiving end of this barrage of name calling and ridicule? Would you feel motivated or willing to compromise? I don't think so.

The golden rule of treating others the way you would want others to treat you is still one of the most important foundations of workplace life. Remember, no matter how good your technical or analytical skills may be, over the long term, it is your relationship with others that matters most.