Communication is Very Personal by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Business coach, Michael Port, wrote a terrific book called “Book Yourself Solid” in which he offers this insight; “Business problems are really personal problems in disguise.”

Port says that many of the challenges he has faced in “fully expressing himself” were blocked early on in his career by what he called “conflicting intentions.” He knew he needed to promote himself and his work in a more aggressive way, but he had an inner struggle because he kept asking himself what his father, a respected physician, would think if he engaged in this kind of self-promotion.

Port had underlying fears about his father being disappointed and potentially rejecting his approach to business, thinking it was somehow beneath the family name and tradition. But at the same time, Port needed to get out there more and to build his brand.

Ultimately, Michael Port realized that this was really a personal problem, deeply embedded in how he grew up, that was keeping him from reaching his business potential. The same thing is true when it comes to communication. Most communication problems are really personal problems in disguise. We see it every day---People who are afraid to get up and present in a business meeting because at 14, running for class president, they got up in front of the class with a stack of index cards that dropped on to the stage and were now out of order. This actually happened to one of my clients, Jim, who is now a bank vice president. Jim told me how it felt to have all the kids laughing at him as he scrambled to put the cards back in order and finish his speech, which he never did. He ran off the stage, embarrassed and crying. 35 years later, he still talks about it as if it were yesterday. His communication challenges today are in many ways a product of that very personal experience in his formative years, which he never truly overcame.

Or consider the case of Joe who, at 6’ 10”, has constantly been asked; “Hey, how tall are you?” He is self conscious about his height and the idea that he towers over everyone else in business situations. As a result, in meetings he crouches down to try to get to the same level of others. He hunches over out of self consciousness and the inability to make direct eye contact with others. It has affected his confidence and, in turn, the way he communicates and connects—or doesn’t connect—with key business associates.

Fear, insecurity, anxiety, obsession with being rejected or the constant need for approval are all very personal and emotional issues that deeply affect the way we communicate. In his book, Michael Port says of his business coaching; “I’m not practicing psychology by any sense of the imagination, however, I often relate to people on a very deep level.” It’s true. When coaching, especially with communication, you have to understand who your client is and some of the personal challenges they’ve dealt with.

You would think that as professional adults these “personal issues” would be irrelevant or we would have grown out of them. But in most cases we don’t. They are still there. I know they are there for me. Our job is to understand the role they play and to face them head on. We need to appreciate that there are countless personal examples from our lives in which we had a positive outcome. All of us have these experiences to draw upon. The question is, which ones will dominate your thinking and your preparation when the time comes to stand and deliver? Will it be the experiences that are painful and negative? Or, will they be ones that are positive and motivating? The choice is yours.

Write to me at sadubato@aol.com with a personal story about a personal communication challenge you face today.

Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on communication and leadership and is author of the new book "What Were They Thinking? Crisis Communication: The Good, the Bad and the Totally Clueless" (Rutgers University Press). Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.