Getting on the Same Page by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

This column has explored the many reasons why message sent does not equal message received and the communication problems that arise when we incorrectly assume that we are on the same page with our audience. Miscommunication is far more common than effective communication. Realizing that we are not connecting is only the first step in improving our communication. The next step is doing something to correct the situation.

Q— Could you remind us of some of the most common reasons for miscommunication?

A—Here is the short list. Use of jargon, listener overload, ambiguous language, insufficient feedback, gender differences, the limited attention span of your audience and making a negative first impression.

Q—How does one avoid listener overload?

A—Cut down your communication. Edit yourself. Practice what I call “communication triage” where you prioritize your message by deciding what will have the greatest impact. Further, become more sensitive and aware to the non-verbal signs (nodding off) that a listener is being overloaded with information.

Q—What does making a negative first impression have to do with effective communication?

A—Not everyone is going to like you, but you still need to remember the adage that “you never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Choose to have a more positive, friendly attitude and demeanor when you meet others. Keep your negative baggage out of the way. Remember the power of a smile along with a firm handshake. Also, make sure you ask the other person how they are doing and actually mean it. What do these things have to do with effective communication? Everything!

Q—You argue that insufficient feedback is a contributor to message sent not equaling message received. But what if the other person just doesn’t offer any feedback?

A—Proactively get the feedback instead of waiting for it. Great communicators ask questions like; “Bob, I propose a change in how your team is going to operate. What specific concerns do you have?” Then encourage Bob to open up and tell you exactly what he is feeling. Until you get Bob to open up and give you honest feedback, you’re not going to have the chance to get on the same page.

Q—What about professionals who are trained in a particular field and are accustomed to using jargon?

A—There is a great scene in the movie “Patch Adams” where a medical director doing hospital rounds with a group of residents comes across a patient on a gurney who has a severe infection in her leg. As the lead physicians stops, he refers to the patient without even using her name; “Here we have a juvenile onset diabetic with poor circulation and diabetic neuropathy….Any osteomyelitis? None apparent…consider antibiotics, possibly amputation.” As the female patient cringes, “Patch Adams,” a medical resident played by Robin Williams, asks, “What’s her name?” The physician looks on the patient’s chart and says, “Marjorie.” Patch Adams looks at her and says, “Hi Marjorie” and smiles. She smiles back as he touches her hand and the group of residents awkwardly move on to the next patient.

Some powerful communication lessons here. First, using the terms “osteomyelitis” or “diabetic neuropathy” have little meaning for a patient with no medical training. Another mistake was not referring to her by name, but making it clear that “amputation” was a distinct possibility. It was only when Patch Adams connected with Marjorie on a human and personal level that a genuinely effective and meaningful communication exchange took place. The key is empathy. We must begin to communicate to be understood as opposed to simply talking or being heard. Only then can we get closer to our message sent being the one that is actually received.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.