Are You A Conversation Dominator? by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Some people have an uncontrollable need to dominate every conversation. These are the overbearing communicators who must decide the topic of every conversation, tell you what they think (make that what they know) to be true, and tell you why you are “wrong” if you disagree with them. They have only a few topics that they talk about, but they talk about them over and over again. Their opinion never changes and new information or facts are ignored. They couldn’t care less whether their particular audience is interested in what they are saying, they just love to hear themselves talk.

Q—How does a typical conversation dominator communicate?

A—First, they are terrible listeners. Often they are not interested in what anyone else has to say. They convince themselves that their opinion is the one that matters most. They talk endlessly without regard to whether they are connecting or not. They say things like, “Let me tell you why you are wrong…” or, “Listen to me…I’m an expert on this…” If you try to interject they will often interrupt you and say things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or, “You’re wrong and here’s why…” Sounds like fun, huh?

Q—Why do they do this?

A—Because they can. Sometimes they run organizations or lead teams where no one is willing to say; “Enough already, boss. You’ve been going on for an hour. You say the same thing every time and you don’t let anyone get a word in. What are we even here for?” Without such direct and useful feedback, these communicators think they are doing fine. One time I asked one of them why he does it and he said, “I’m here to teach.” Translation—my opinion is the only one that matters.

Q—What impact does this have on the quality of a conversation?

A—It’s devastating. People on the other end shut down and tune out. They nod their heads and fake acknowledgement or agreement while praying the other person shuts up. They start to avoid the person and if asked for their opinion, they are reluctant to share it for fear of being attacked or ridiculed. The word also gets spread about the abusive communicator. People talk behind his back and call him a “blowhard” and make fun of the way he runs meetings or the way he acts in social settings. Ultimately the dominating communicator isolates himself and is surrounded with a few people who are forced to listen to him because they have no choice.

Q—What can you do as a communicator on the other end of such a conversation?

A—It depends upon how much you care. The smartest thing to do is avoid the person. If your boss is the offender, try to get a transfer. If it is a family member, take one shot at saying; “It’s because I love you, Uncle Tony, that I’m going to tell you this, but the rest of the family is starting to avoid you because you won’t shut up…” This is a risky move, and it is unlikely that the offender will appreciate it, but at least you’ve tried. The older the person is, the harder it is to curb this offensive communication habit.

Are you a conversation dominator or the victim of one? Write to me at sadubato@aol.com and share your experience.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.