The Summer Mailbag by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

The communication related questions just keep on coming. Time to empty the summer mailbag.

Q—Being originally from a large family there was always a nickname that was applied to you, at any given point. The nickname that was given to me as a kid (by one of my older brothers) still haunts me in my adulthood. I have corrected people about this by stating "Please call me John" or “I’d prefer it if you called me by my first name.” My concern this could potentially cost me money, if a client were to witness this juvenile exchange. Any advice?

A—Relax “Johnny Boy.” We all have nicknames that we are a bit sensitive to. Mine is “Junior,” but I have known guys named “Peanuts.” And consider that Barbara Walters nickname is “Babs.” Since so many people have nicknames and are somewhat embarrassed by them, most people in business understand when someone refers to you by it. It says more about the person using your nickname than it does about you. The only way it could hurt your business is if you over react to it in front of a prospective client; “Bob, I told you not to call me ‘Junior’ in front of other people.” That makes your friend feel bad, it makes the client uncomfortable and it makes you look like you are uptight. Great communication is about people seeing you as someone who is comfortable with yourself and that includes dealing with nicknames.

Q—Recently I gave my boss the standard two-weeks notice. I had a great rapport with my colleagues and managed many high stakes accounts and clients, and therefore I was shocked when my boss’s response was; “Well, you never really fit in here anyway.” Can you offer the leaders in corporate American some guidelines on how to react when an employee tells them they are leaving?

A—First, a leader must communicate with dignity when an employee says that he or she is moving on. A leader must get beyond any immediate fears, insecurities or anger he might feel because a good person has decided to leave. Sometimes communicating the first thought that comes into his mind is the wrong way to go. Instead, it is better as a leader to ask a few questions like; “Jim, what’s the biggest reason you’ve decided to leave?” Or, “Is there anything we can do that might make you happier here?” Simply put, strong leaders understand that good employees grow and sometimes they move on. Overreacting or taking it personally never helps the situation.

Q—I have been in my position for almost 10 years and I have yet to take on a public speaking role. I am horribly embarrassed by this and my fear of public speaking is so paralyzing that it often reduces me to tears, panic attacks, feeling faint, etc. I NEED and WANT to get over this. Can you help?

A—First, realize that you are not alone. Millions of people feel what you are feeling when it comes to communicating in public. Log on to our Web site (www.stand-deliver.com) where you will find past Star-Ledger columns on anxiety as it relates to public speaking. But for now, realize that the only way to get past this is to get up and do it. Start small. Go to a Toastmasters meeting and tell a story about a recent event in your life. You might stumble or trip over your words, but it is not going to matter. Your audience will be rooting for you and give you constructive feedback. Use it and go back and try it again. You can talk about your fear of public speaking forever; or, you can face it, practice and ultimately get better.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.