Eulogizing A Loved One Presents A Unique Opportunity by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Recently, my good friend Nick Grieco gave a eulogy for his father Al. As anyone who has been in this emotionally difficult situation knows, the pressure to get it right is significant, because you only get one chance. Giving the eulogy for a loved one, while one of the most difficult communication challenges we face, also presents a powerful opportunity to celebrates someone’s life and connect with your audience, who is looking to you to offer some perspective.

Nick was especially close to his father and knew that “people where there to hear about my father’s life—his ups and downs, the funny and not so funny. I had to connect with them.”

Q—How do you prepare to truly speak from your heart in such an emotionally charged environment?

A—Call a few of the person’s friends and family members and ask about a story or anecdote that demonstrated how he lived his life. Nick talked to his father’s closest friends to get both old and new stories as well as any “life lessons” they had learned from Al. In preparing, it is also good to use what I call the “hub and spokes” communication model. Visualize the hub of a bicycle wheel in the middle, which will be your main message or theme. Then, consider various spokes jetting out from the hub, which will be your anecdotes and stories that support your message or theme.

Q—How exactly did Nick utilize this technique?

A—Nick’s dad was an accomplished football player who played many big games at City Stadium in Newark. He coached Nick and his brother in pee-wee baseball there and refereed many games with his friends. Nick chose City Stadium as his “hub” for the eulogy since it tied into his father’s family and friends. The stadium was his visual reference point that helped him focus on what he wanted to say.

Q—Are you saying you actually need to visualize this hub and spokes when presenting?

A—Absolutely. Otherwise, it becomes a linear list of unconnected points. You need to tie these points together around a consistent theme. In Nick’s eulogy, the hub (or theme) was a place his father “lived in” and felt passionately about—City Stadium. The spokes represented various relationships and stories about his father’s life. This approach connected Nick’s father to the audience in a personal and human way. The hub and spokes model is a communication vehicle that can help any presenter prepare and organize.

Q—How is giving a eulogy relevant to a business presentation?

A—You always need a theme and a message; a strong beginning and a memorable close. For example, consider a manager who must tell employees about a difficult situation or development that will greatly impact them. He must utilize the same principals; but it is even more important when the stakes are higher, such as a eulogy, which is not your everyday business presentation.

Q—Was Nicks’ eulogy for his father written down?

A—Not fully. He used the bulleted outline approach, with a few key words that triggered his thoughts. For example, boldly printed words with some white space in between such as “City Stadium,” “pee-wee baseball,” “friend,” “father,” and “referee.” When Nick looked down at these words, they helped him focus without reading verbatim from a written script.

Q—What happens if you leave something out?

A—It doesn’t matter. It is not how much you say that’s important; it is whether you connect with your audience on a human and personal level. No one knows what you were planning to say. The key is to be genuine, conversational, and passionate and ultimately speak from your heart.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.