What is Verbal Abuse? by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Are you verbally abusive to the people you work with? What exactly is verbal abuse? What impact does this toxic communication style have on workplace morale and productivity?

Further, are some professionals being overly sensitive when a manager or colleague communicates with passion or frustration and then are too quick to call themselves “victims” of verbal abuse in the workplace? Some questions.

Q—Can you provide a concrete example of verbal abuse in the workplace?

A—When a manger or fellow colleague starts focusing on the personal weaknesses or vulnerabilities of someone, the potential for verbal abuse is huge. Consider that someone you work with is especially shy and may actually blush or get red faced when nervous. This can be a real problem, not to mention, embarrassing. Instead of focusing on helping that person gain more confidence in potentially stressful situations, a manager who is verbally abusive might say: “Jane, what the hell is your problem? Every time you present at a meeting your face gets red. What’s wrong with you? If you can’t deal with a little stress, you don’t belong on our team.” That’s abusive. The manager might have said; “Jane, let’s talk about what makes you uncomfortable when presenting so we can identify some ways to make you feel more confident. You have so many valuable things to share and I want to make sure your message gets across.” The key is to focus on an employee’s performance instead of a personal or physical characteristic that they may or may not be able to control.

Q—So verbal abuse is more a question of INTENT than the actual communication used?

A—It is a combination of both. Intent does matter, but even people with good intentions can be verbally abusive. In addition to intent, what matters greatly is a communicator’s tone of voice. Is it harsh, nasty or biting? Does it poke fun in a cruel and personal way? Language also matters. Sometimes particularly vulgar or coarse language is considered abusive, especially if the communicator is screaming. We also have to consider who is receiving the message and what the communication history is of the players involved.

Q—Do you consider this verbally abusive?; “Jim, you promised to have the Jones report to me by 3 p.m. yesterday. I was really counting on that and now it is 10 a.m. today and I have nothing. This is absolutely unacceptable and you need to know that this is the kind of thing that drives me crazy and is killing our bottom line. You’ve got to step up.”

A—That’s not abusive at all. When a manger communicates with passion and intensity that he is not satisfied with someone’s performance, this is an important leadership trait. Further, when someone specifically points out the adverse impact of someone’s poor performance, that’s not abusive. This kind of constructive feedback is lacking in many workplaces. Further, even if the manager’s voice is raised and the veins in his neck are bulging a bit, that doesn’t make his communication qualify as verbally abusive. Some people are too quick to say they’ve been abused, which immediately lets them off the hook and again paints them as the “victim,” which is an entirely different communication issue.

Q—What is the impact on someone when they are verbally abused?

A—Nothing good. They can shut down or shut you out. They can refuse to go the extra yard for you or the organization. In turn, this can have an adverse impact on team morale and productivity. Further, it sends the message to others that they could be next, which only further alienates the leader who is being verbally abusive. Again, it is a prescription for a toxic communication environment.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.