Agree to Disagree-It Works by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Bob is a top level executive with a major insurance company. He is smart, articulate, and well respected by most of his colleagues. Only one catch—Bob has a habit of arguing and debating people on his team and others who say things that he either finds incorrect or as he says, “off the mark.”

Says Bob; “I think it comes from the way I grew up. I learned early on that I had the ability to out argue the other kids in class or in the neighborhood. It gave me self esteem because I wasn’t a great athlete or the coolest kid around. However, I was willing to take on anyone when it came to verbal combat.”

Bob isn’t alone. Many of us grew up learning how to fight with words—convinced that communication is all about “winning” an argument or debate. We carry this communication mindset into our relationships—both at work and at home. But like Bob, this approach often creates unnecessary conflict and frustration. Some questions.

Q—Why is Bob’s style of communicating considered a weakness, as opposed to being seen as an question of principle—of fighting for what he believes in?

A—If it were a question of integrity or principle, it wouldn’t be a problem, because it would be a more isolated occurrence. The problem is that Bob and many others don’t let anything go. They argue virtually any point that someone may bring up. It is this need to “win” in every communication interaction that is cause for concern. For Bob, it causes many of the people he works with to shut down or shut him out. They don’t tell him what they think, but often talk behind his back and say things like; “You can never say anything to Bob without him biting your head off.” That’s not a reputation you want or need in the world of business because it won’t help you move your agenda forward.

Q—Are you suggesting that Bob just give in to someone’s point of view or fake it, even if he disagrees?

A—This question assumes that we either have to agree or disagree with what is said by others. Bob argues that he only challenges people on “the facts, not on their opinion,” but what he doesn’t understand is that people don’t agree on what the facts are. Facts are not black and white. Further, Bob can simply acknowledge or accept that someone has a different point of view or opinion on what he calls “the facts,” even if he disagrees. We can agree to disagree, but more importantly try to understand another point of view, which is a big part of leading or being successful in business.

Q—But isn’t the ability to argue or debate a key communication skill for a leader trying to persuade or motivate others?

A—In theory, yes; in practice, rarely. It’s not very often you will have a colleague or important stakeholder you argue with say something like; “You know, you are right, Bob. I am dead wrong. I need to totally rethink my position. Thanks for helping me understand how right you really are.” This just doesn’t happen. In fact, the more Bob argues or debates, the more others are tempted to get defensive or back. Then, neither party is listening to the other and there is a stalemate. None of this is good for an organization or the people in it, much less the product or service you are trying to sell.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.