Richard Carlson: Great Communication Coach Lost by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

The self-help and communication world lost one of its greatest contributors recently. Richard Carlson, the author of the best-selling book and series, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff,” passed away last week. Carlson has had an impact on millions who have read his “small stuff” books and bought into his simple, yet powerful, philosophy that it is the small things that make a big difference when it comes to communicating and connecting with others.

Ironically, one of the areas which Richard Carlson dealt with was communicating about death and dying and about grief and dealing with pain. Carlson was only 45 and died suddenly of cardiac arrest. His teaching and influence will last for decades, particularly his concrete and practical advice about communication.

Q—What was Richard Carlson’s basic philosophy about communication?

A—He believed that everything surrounding communication is personal. Carlson argued that the way to become a more effective listener wasn’t about appearing--through body language or gestures--to be listening, but rather to actually care enough to want to know more. To care about the other person. Carlson also talked a great deal about becoming more patient with others, which is a cornerstone of improving your listening skills. As Carlson’s good friend and author John Welshons said after his death, “Richard taught us that our dialogues should involve more listening than talking . . . that in all cases love, kindness, friendliness, honesty, and generosity of spirit are much greater modes of communication than arguing, shouting and needing to be 'right.'”

Q—What does that mean, the “need to be right?” Shouldn’t a great communicator be persuasive in moving others in a certain direction?

A—In Carlson’s book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: And It’s All Small Stuff,” he asked a great question in response to this one. “Do I want to be ‘right’--or do I want to be happy?” Carlson argued that many times “the two are mutually exclusive.” He believed that too many of us both in our professional and personal lives are convinced that it is our job to show others that they are wrong and that we are in the right. In the process, we create unnecessary conflict and negative feelings.

Q—But what if you think that someone else is genuinely wrong? Did Carlson say you should simply give in to him?

A—Absolutely not. He believed that we all simply live in our “separate realities” and that because of our culture, history and experiences, we see the same events and circumstances in vastly different ways. Carlson argued that the truly great communicators, and ultimately the great leaders, understand that everyone has a “separate reality,” even if we don’t agree with that reality. It is in accepting, and hopefully appreciating, the differences that we are able to negotiate, compromise and move forward in our communication both at work and at home.

Q—Given the holiday season, what if anything did Carlson say about how we should treat others, particularly in business?

A—One of his most memorable techniques is what he called “practicing random acts of kindness.” Carlson believed that doing something for someone else without expecting anything in return was one of the greatest gifts we could give to ourselves and others. Consider your workplace. Carlson reminds us that simply walking into a colleague’s office and offering to help him complete a difficult project communicates a powerful message about teamwork and caring for others. It builds workplace bonds.

The key, however, is to not expect anything in return. Mental and emotional scorecards create frustration and disappointment. Carlson believed in the payoff of helping others. It sounds simple, but it is a profound message—one of many Richard Carlson has left us with, and that is no “small stuff” indeed. He will be greatly missed.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.