We All Have Our "Separate Realities" by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

How often have you said about someone who doesn’t agree with you or who doesn’t understand what you believe to be true; “Why doesn’t he get it? Is he blind? It’s so obvious what I’m saying is right.”

It’s common to get frustrated when others don’t understand when we communicate in ways that we see as clear and compelling. Yet, according to the “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series author, Richard Carlson, who is also the author of, “You Can Be Happy No Matter What: Five Principles for Keeping Life in Perspective” (New World Library), there is something called the “principle of separate realities” that explains why the message we send rarely is the one that is received.

Q—So what is this “separate realities” principle that Carlson talks about?

A—We see words and images or simply anything that happens around us through the prism of our own individual and very unique “thought system,” according to Carlson. So think about it. This thought system is a product of so many inputs including our parents, background, interpretations, memory, race, mood, etc. The combinations of these influences on how we communicate and receive communication is endless. Since we all have our own individual thought system, it is really almost impossible for us to see the world and what happens in it the way another person does. Simply put, we all have separate realities.

Q—What are the implications of these separate realities for the communication process?

A—The implications are huge. So much of our conflict and frustration with others is a product of our not understanding or accepting that people simply can’t see or interpret things the way we do—even if they want to. We expect others to understand or communicate on our wavelength and when they don’t, we often assume it is a product of them being “difficult” or “argumentative.” Sometimes that is the case, but more often than not, they are just seeing, interpreting and communicating through their own reality.

Q—Do you have a concrete example of how this separate realities thing plays out in real life?

A—It’s all around us, but consider this scenario. Company A makes a verbal commitment to Company B to pay a certain amount of money for a particular service in the new year. A contract has been sent from Company B to be signed by Company A’s CEO. Follow up calls are made with no response. Finally, the CEO of Company B calls the CEO of Company A and says, “What’s the deal Bob? You made a commitment.” Company B’s reality is that a commitment was made, and they counted that revenue in the 2006 budget. What Company B doesn’t realize is that Company A has had certain unexpected cutbacks and is having trouble making payroll. Their management team is rethinking everything they talked about doing in 2006.

Clearly there are two separate realities here. The more that Company B’s people insist that the only reality is that “a commitment was made for the new year,” the more frustrated they will be. Company A’s reality is the only one they can see. It’s not that they’re being difficult, it’s just that the reality has changed from the time that verbal commitment was made and they are just trying to stay afloat.

Q—So if we all have separate realities, what is the point in trying to communicate at all?

A—Communication is the key to human interaction. It’s the lifeblood of our relationships both at work and at home. The key to communicating effectively is understanding that others don’t and often can’t see things as we do and then accept it. We need to listen to others without immediately concluding they must be wrong or difficult simply because they disagree with us. Compromise and understanding is often achieved when we realize that our version of “reality” is just that—OUR version, not a universal version that everyone else shares.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.