More Reasons for Miscommunication by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

It’s amazing how often we say or do something and another person misinterprets it. It happens so often, we are not even aware of it. Getting on the same page is a lot more difficult than you think. Yet, misunderstandings and miscommunications are avoidable.

Just consider the umpire in the recent baseball playoff game between the Angels and the White Sox who “called” a third strike, or did he call it? He lifted his right hand up, which is the way most umpires communicate “strike three,” but never verbally said, “strike three.” The catcher thought one thing, the batter thought another, and controversy ensued. Again, message sent did not equal message received.

With that in mind, consider some questions and answers that will help you avoid unnecessary miscommunication both at work and at home.

Q—What are the biggest reasons we miscommunicate, even with the best intentions?

A—Consider this: Meaning isn’t really in words or actions. Meaning is really in people and the way they perceive and interpret what goes on around them. This is complex stuff. The other day I said to one of my colleagues who was out sick, “Get better soon.” She responded, “Okay. I’ll be in tomorrow.” I immediately realized she interpreted what I said as some sort of warning. I quickly responded, “No, I meant get better and just take care of yourself.” She said, “Oh, I thought you were giving me a hard time.” Again, even with the best intentions, we can’t control how other people receive the information we put out.

Q—What are some of the other ways this miscommunication “dynamic” works?

A—Take the word “aggressive.” There is no objective, universal meaning attached to the word. You might say, “Jane is really aggressive.” You mean that Jane is strong, bold and assertive--a self-starter you really want on your team. Yet, someone hearing you call Jane “aggressive” may believe that you mean she is difficult or unnecessarily pushy. That’s because meaning is not in words but is in people’s perception. If you say TV personality Bill O’Reilly is “confrontational,” do you mean obnoxious and combative? If you don’t like O’Reilly, the answer is probably yes. If you think O’Reilly is great, you may interpret confrontational as meaning making people answer direct questions. Too often we just assume we are on the same page when we are not.

Q—Are you saying we shouldn’t use words that can be easily misinterpreted?

A—Not exactly. However, you are better off assuming that you are not on the same page and seek to clarify. If you call someone aggressive, elaborate with an example or anecdote that helps clarify what you mean. Further, avoid expressions that are vague. If you are in Alabama and someone says the closest gas station is “down the road,” that could mean another 10 miles. In New Jersey, if you say “down the road” and the gas station is more than a mile away, the receiver of that message is thinking you gave him bad information. You must realize that expressions like “down the road” means different things to different people depending upon a lot of factors. Again, provide more detail than you originally thought was necessary and you have a better chance of being understood.

Q—Can’t you be a pest with all this explaining and clarifying? Don’t you also run the risk of insulting people’s intelligence?

A—In theory I guess that is true, but if you were to look at how often misunderstanding and miscommunication takes place, you would realize that it is worth the investment in time and in effort to seek to clarify. If you don’t, you will often wind up confused, frustrated or even in an unnecessary argument about who was wrong and who was right.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.