Real Listening Takes Hard Work by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

“The road to the heart is the ear”--Voltaire. Listening. Most of us say we need to get better at it, but understand little about why it is so hard and what it really takes to get better. We interrupt and we get interrupted all the time. We frustrate others and we are frustrated when we feel ignored. Poor or lazy listening adversely affects relationships and causes unnecessary confusion in the workplace and at home.

When it comes to doing the work necessary to become a great listener, some questions need to be asked.

Q—Why is it so hard to be a great listener?

A—Most of us love to hear ourselves talk. Fact is, we become so caught up with the sound of our own voice or pre-occupied with OUR issues that we ignore the need to listen to others. Further, a lot of people we deal with are downright boring. Their stories are too long, they provide useless information and sometimes we can’t even figure out what their point is. Simply put, we just don’t understand what it takes to be a great listener.

Q—Is it true that you should be listening just for the facts and try not to get caught up in the emotion of what someone is saying?

A—Not really. It may have been okay for “Dragnet’s” Sergeant Joe Friday to say to the hysterical woman who had just been robbed, “Just the facts, ma’am, just the facts,” but that approach won’t work for you. In real life, emotions matter a great deal. I’m not saying you should get consumed with someone’s emotions or allow the person to wallow in them, however, people won’t open up unless they feel you really care about their feelings.

If a frustrated co-worker is complaining about a situation, you might say, “Just calm down and tell me what happened.” However, discounting the other person’s emotions may only fuel more emotion because he feels dismissed. Instead, ask him why he is upset and then move to the facts and ultimately to potential solutions. Great listeners avoid the temptation to jump to the finish line without understanding that you actually have to run the race.

Q—Don’t some people pretend to be listening when they really are not? How do we know the difference?

A—Too many people think that listening involves nothing more than using a series of canned, non-verbal gestures that create the APPEARANCE of listening. These include leaning forward, nodding your head, putting your hand on your chin, remaining silent then finally uttering “really” or “ah-huh.” These listening “tools” are only valuable if you are ACTUALLY listening. The goal is not to create the appearance of listening, but to do it. Real listening often involves asking probing, open-ended questions (“How did you feel when that happened?”) or paraphrasing (“What I think you’re saying is…”). It could also involve comparing something said in the moment with a previous statement. The key to genuine listening is to make a decision that it’s worth investing the time and effort in the process.

Q—But isn’t empathy the key to great listening?

A—If empathy means imagining what it might be like to be in the other person’s position and communicating accordingly, then yes. But if your interpretation of empathy means nothing more than an excuse to take someone’s thunder by letting them know that anything they tell you has either already happened to you, or, you’re experience was bigger and better—think again. (“You think that’s bad…”) That’s not empathy, that’s just being self-centered.

What’s the biggest barrier of your becoming a better listener and what are you going to do about it? Write to me.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.