Coach's Mailbag by Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

Nancy Conners (a pseudonym) from Bellingham, WA, responded to a recent column on how to apologize and asked a good question: "I think that I truly have a 'problem' when it comes to apologizing. I tend to defend my feelings (right, wrong, offensive, whatever) with tremendous strength and very little consideration for others. How do I overcome my extreme pride in situations where I need to apologize and I want to mean it?"

Great question, Nancy. You aren't alone. Here's the deal. Try to see apologizing as an "opportunity" to make it clear that you are a secure enough person to acknowledge that you aren't perfect. (Who is?) Also, the more you "defend" yourself, the longer it will take to get things right. You will be amazed at how much unnecessary conflict will be avoided. Finally, don't fake it. In other words, don't apologize if you aren't sorry. It's not a communication game. It's a sign that you care to make things better and that you will try harder.

Fran Goodin from Summit, NJ, says that it is extremely important for organizations to be clear regarding communication expectations in the workplace. Says Goodin, "I experienced a great deal of difficulty in the past because an organization's communication style wasn't communicated to me. I had to learn by trial and error, for example, that e-mail was the preferred mode of communication even though the organization I worked for was tiny." Goodin adds; "Since I have yet to find a crystal ball with which I can penetrate an employer's head, I now question everything…When given an assignment, I review it to make certain we are on the same page…"

Fran, the lesson we should take away from your experience is to consider effective communication (message sent equals message received) the exception, not the rule. Assume that miscommunication can and will happen and then act accordingly. Also, ask very specific questions of your new or current employer regarding the preferred method of sharing important information. Asking good questions remains a powerful communication tool. Trial and error has its place, but some of these errors can be avoided by talking to colleagues about what has worked and not worked for them. The more you know about the organization's culture, the more prepared you will be to communicate in it.

Sara Toffoli of Bound Brook, had a great story about her boss going the extra mile to recognize his employees. Says Toffoli, "I work for Bayer HealthCare Consumer Care in Morristown and my boss, Bernie Simone, motivates me by giving me spontaneous voicemails and in-person comments thanking me for a job well done…Bernie's response to my efforts inspires me to keep doing a great job." Toffoli also says that she replays her boss' voicemails to help her keep going; "When I'm having a busy day, they cheer me up and help me keep motivated."

What a great idea. I do the same thing with voicemails. Others do it as well. Bernie sounds like he gets it. He understands what truly motivates people beyond just paying them more. The moral of your letter and your work experience is that managers and others who lead can't say thank you enough to their employees. Don't assume that your people know that you feel they are doing a great job. You have to tell them and it has to be genuine. Those who ignore this advice pay a heavy price in terms of employee and workplace productivity. The worst part is, they often don't become aware of the problem until it is too late.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, or click here to contact him through this web site.