By Steve Adubato, PhD
Paul is a 30-year-old bank manager who is well liked, hard working and respected in his company. Yet, recently Paul's CEO suggested some executive coaching as a way to help him take his skills to the next level.
A little background. While no one questions Paul's willingness to work hard and be a team player, he is reluctant to "step up" as his boss says. When pressed by the executive coach, the boss explains that Paul runs meetings that ramble and are unfocused. "He is such a nice guy. He often seems reluctant to cut people off when they are on a tangent." He also says that when Paul's team fails to come to any consensus or decision, he tends to put that same agenda item off until the next meeting. Over time, these less than stellar leadership and communication skills have hurt Paul's career advancement.
During a recent coaching session, Paul was asked about these issues. His response is revealing. "I am really uncomfortable confronting people. It is not my style to be in someone's face and I don't like it when people do it to me." As the session continued, it became clear that Paul saw "confrontation" as exclusively a negative communication approach. Along with so many other professionals, this bank manager sees confrontation as a form of aggression, as something that makes people uncomfortable. Confrontation as a battle, a contest, a war fought by combatants who will either win or lose.
Clearly, confrontation can be and sometimes is many of these things. But there is another way to look at "confrontational communication" as an opportunity to confront an ongoing problem or challenge head on. To not confront it would mean missing a big opportunity. How many of us have long, simmering below-the-surface feuds going on with people we need to get along with? It could be at work or in your personal life. Your bottled up frustration and anger is making your life miserable and greatly affecting your productivity. In these situations you MUST confront things head on.
Consider Paul, our bank manager, who needs to say to his colleagues who refuse to reach a decision on a crucial business matter; "Let's be clear, by not coming to a decision on X we stand to lose a lot of potential revenue. If our team is unwilling or unable to decide, I will do it because the alternative will produce an unacceptable outcome."
When Paul was presented with this more direct communication approach by his executive coach, he said, "I can do that! But that's not being confrontational." Yes it is! It is confronting your colleagues (or others) with your candid view of a situation. It's confronting by communicating the consequences of our action or inaction. Confrontation in this form is a critical leadership tool.
On a personal level, I encourage you to confront anyone with whom you have long-standing issues or concerns that are truly bothering you. Why not tell your wife or husband or someone close to you; "When I do something extra special for you, and you don't even acknowledge it or say thanks, it makes me feel really lousy." No malice. No animosity. No rancor or battle to fight. Just honest communication about something that matters. That's right, confronting the issue. Think about it. The alternative of ignoring or ducking the situation only makes things worse and gets you more frustrated.
Write to me about a situation or person you confronted recently and tell me how it turned out