By Steve Adubato, PhD

What goes through your mind when someone prefaces a conversation with, "You have to swear not to tell anyone"? Sometimes we feel uneasy because this can be a hard promise to keep especially when we don't know what's coming next.

Think twice before you disclose something that someone else has shared with you in confidence - doing so puts you in a bad position on two fronts: one, you are betraying a person who trusted you, and two, you are showing the person you're talking to that you can't be trusted to be discreet with confidential information. Gossip can sometimes be fun ("Tell me some dirt.") but it can also be dangerous and sometimes hurtful. I know because I have done it at other people's expense and it has been done to me. Plus, the person you gossip with today is likely to gossip about you tomorrow.

The words "balance" and "appropriate" are important to remember when it comes to self-disclosure. Whether in casual or intimate conversation, we have to be careful about how much information we disclose. Consider popular, yet controversial radio personality Howard Stern. For four hours a day Stern entertains his huge following of fans without a written script. One of the keys to his success is his ability to share pieces of his life and those of others around him in a way that millions of people find entertaining. He talks about his sexual fantasies and idiosyncrasies. He also talks about being the father of three daughters. He talks about his divorce. His stories are sometimes funny and touching.

Howard Stern's willingness to disclose things about his personal life is an attractive quality that draws people to him. These things make him more real. But sometimes, Stern discloses too much. Several years ago he shared information about his wife's miscarriage. Even his intensely loyal audience reacted negatively. Stern's wife was understandably livid. His very public disclosure was a breech of trust between a husband and wife.

Sometimes in casual conversation people tell us way too much. You have probably met people who within the first ten minutes of meeting have told you far more than you want or need to know about their personal life. People will talk about their recent surgery in graphic detail, their divorce in even gorier detail, affairs, how they are being mistreated by their terrible boss and so on to people they hardly know! This type of self-disclosure can be highly inappropriate and can make the person you are talking to very uncomfortable. We want to know something about people we encounter, but we don't want people to spill their guts right away. Discretion, good judgment, and balance are the operative words.

Think about how you currently use self-disclosure in your day-to-day conversations. Listen to yourself. How often do you say something about what you believe or how you feel? How often do you say things that only minutes later you wish you hadn't?

If you find that you are overly protective of your personal life and avoid talking about yourself at all, consider taking the risk of offering a small piece of personal information in your next conversation with someone you know and trust. Make it something safe, like your feelings about a current event or a challenge you are experiencing in raising your children. I'm not talking about complaining or whining, but rather sharing and seeking feedback. You'll be amazed at how injecting a bit of yourself into the conversation will improve your ability to communicate and connect with others.

If you find that you are too quick to "tell all" practice holding back a bit. Make an effort to reveal only what's appropriate to the situation. How well do you know the person you're talking to? Who else is affected by your disclosure? Does this person have a reason to be interested in your personal life? Self-disclosure has its place, but everything in moderation.