by Steve Adubato, PhD

A few days before Thanksgiving, a very close relative who reads this column regularly said to me; “I just want to get through these holidays without a war in the family.” If your family is like mine, the holidays are a time to celebrate, eat too much, appreciate each other, but unfortunately, get into counterproductive and often nasty (not to mention old) arguments that go nowhere and deepen wounds.

With Thanksgiving over, I can only hope you got through it unscathed while thankful for all the good things in your life. Now it is on to even bigger holidays coming up in a few weeks. With this in mind, consider some tangible tools and techniques to help you minimize the chance that you wind up in one of those “family feuds” that are so frustrating:

--Minimize the time you are with your family. That’s right, of course they are great to be with and you want to cherish those moments to reconnect. But, I’ve learned that the longer you are together, the greater the likelihood that something is said by “Uncle Charlie” that triggers a reaction from “Aunt Mary”. Then, before you know it, the family fireworks are on and are almost impossible to turn off. So, decide before you get together how long you plan on staying and unless things are going exceptionally well, leave at the appointed time.

--Get yourself mentally prepared. When it comes to communication, particularly in potentially stressful situations, attitude is everything. Get yourself in a frame of mind to have a positive attitude. Tell yourself, and mean it, that no matter what anyone in your family says, you are not going to take the bait. You are not going to react. You are not going to let anyone push your buttons. I know that is easier said than done, but the more you go in with the attitude that “everything is going to be great no matter what”, the better off you are going to be.

--Pause. In fact, STOP, before you say anything reacting to what you perceive to be an antagonistic, argumentative or downright mean-spirited comment from a relative. Sometimes, we say the first thing that comes in to our mind like; “Mom, how could you say that to me? I’m always there for you. What about the time…” Ask yourself what happens when you do that. Does your mom say; “Jane, you are so right. I apologize and I will never say it again. Thanks for being such a great daughter.” Not likely. My advice? Pause for a few seconds and ask yourself; “Is it really worth it to get into this argument?” As the minutes go by, there is a good chance you will forget what triggered your reaction in the first place. Argument avoided, mission accomplished.

--Kill your family with kindness. I’m totally serious. Pick out the most argumentative and nasty family member who has triggered so many family feuds and proactively say to him; “Dad, mom told me you’ve been going to the gym and watching your diet. You look terrific! Have you lost weight? I wish I could.” Now, even if your father looks like he’s packed on the pounds, I’m encouraging you to say something really nice. Compliments are disarming, especially to those who may have been loaded for bear and looking to fight. Compliments make it much harder for the other person, no matter how argumentative they’ve been in the past, to say something nasty or negative. Try it and it will increase the odds you’ll “get through the holidays” unscathed.